The conflicts I have faced this past week, within myself concerning Beau, who I spoke about in Meeting Your Soul Self , has led me to some important realisations. I realised that I accused him of many things that may be interpreted as weaknesses or fears, however on closer inspection I realised all the labels I placed on him were within me. The big ones of which are detachment from the past and inability to remain in the present. As I write I do so with a focus from my own personal experience or as I retreat within my inner exploration. In this blog I will share some of my inner conflicts I must meet face to face with the labels inside my head.
Over the last week I did a thing that I cannot fully understand, I released all my hurt and pain on Beau. I cannot rationalise specifically why. With triggers that arise in so many different forms, all reason becomes rolled into intense passion and pain. I now sit with my emotions simply watching them.
Having realised that through maintaining the connection to Beau all this while, I have not completely understood or appreciated unconditional love till this point. It is in the three dimensional breaking of the connection and the manifestations of my fears about separation, that I learn how to truly begin the process of loving the one who does not love me back.
Last night I made a herbal bath infusion, an acquaintance recommended sage for clearing and healing, I sprinkled some lavender salts in my bath and ran a little lavender oil under the hot tap. Placing my favourite rose quartz crystals into my bath, I promised myself to evoke self love in a way that I had never realised before. Making a promise for this to be a time of healing and self compassion, as the first of the spring rain refreshes the earth, I will use it as a reminder to the work that I need to do within, for growth and wisdom.
Living with Historical Legacy
In my attack on Beau I expressed to him that he had a superiority complex because of his white privilege and that we could not connect at a deeper level because of his ingrained social conditioning. Going on further I accused him of living in the past, and being connected to both the distant past and the more recent past regarding the way in which his ex girlfriend left him.
I was born in Jamaica and in moving to Britain from a young age it was drilled into me that as a black girl, I would need to try twice as hard as a white girl in order to be successful and to get ahead. These words and this image of me being the inferior has never completely left my mind and taunts me. Even writing this, I cry, as deep down there is a part of me that still feels in some way inferior and is the ghost that haunts my life. Now I realise that up until this confrontation with Beau I had not fully addressed these negative connections to the past.
Usually I would apologise to Beau for my rudeness and he would forgive me, because I figure he understands we all have unseen shadows. However this time I pushed some very hard emotional punches, that were coming from fear and self contempt and Beau has not so much as uttered a word or replied in a text.
I have realised that I need to start addressing these issues and questioning them as they arise. Why did I feel that Beau had superiority complex? Was it because I had an inferiority complex, well that brings me straight back round to my ego. Why did I feel Beau’s superiority complex was linked to his race? Was it because I had not healed the little girl inside, that feels she always needs to try harder because of the colour of her skin or the history of the country from where she originates? These are complex issues and raise bigger questions between what is my ego, what are my thoughts and what is the reality that surrounds me. Are my feelings founded on nothing but a trick of my mind, or are they real and concurrent issues that pervade my sociological livelihood.
I shared with Beau that when I am 40 I want to go backpacking, I explained that it is something I have always wanted to do but couldn’t because I had no travel documents when I was younger. I asked Beau if he would come backpacking with me. Beau said no because he will be raising his children by then. This triggered anger within me because I felt that Beau could have at least humoured me, after all who knows what we will be doing in eight years time. Beau commented that I would not have my happy ending, I challenged him on what he meant by this and he said I would never have my happy ending which is for the two of us to come into union and back pack together. This outraged me further, who was Beau to comment on my happiness and how does he know that his future will be as rosy as he imagines. After all he is forty, unmarried and still childless. Why can he have hopes for the future of his happy ending but not me.
This conversation brought up much anger and pain related to past relationships. Particularly abusive relationships where I was told that I would never find anyone better and that I would never find love or know what love is. It was in some way displaying an affirmation or a haunting of the past feasting on the flesh of the current moment. Our futures or how we imagine them to be adds substance to the here and now, as much of what we do in this moment is preservation for our future. So I interpreted Beaus words as I processed them at that time to mean; I have no future.
So we said some hurtful things to one another however my intuition tells me that these things needed to be said, in order to unclothe what was hiding underneath all the pretence. Now that the inner conflicts and labels have come to the fore I have the opportunity to go deeper into my growth and exploration. I feel that the more I explore and understand my self the more compassionate I can become. As I embrace my flaws and my pain, I also embrace the humanitarian and conservationist within me and become more connected to understanding the ways of the earth. One of which is the natural law that many of the first documented settlers from Europe to the far colonies attempted to dispel; that we are governed by the laws of nature. Many of the first settlers were driven by an idea that they shaped their own destinies. However when we look at the colonised lands today, many are crippled with high political, sociological (1) and economical tension and with natural resources steadily being affected; all a part of a legacy to secure the future. Was this the destiny the first settlers envisioned, was this the destiny they had such great power and control over? In many ways we all continue to make decisions today, in the hope of more prosperous times. It is as though we attempt to live with one foot in the past, one foot in the present and our hands reaching for the unknown.
Beau always talks of the future he wants and that he is going to get it, he wants the perfect wife and two children. He wants to control his destiny, in some ways I admire his passion and in some I think he is a fool, because he pushes my love away in pursuit of an uncertain future. At the same time it is in the push and the pull of our connection that I have explored exponential growth over the last eight months. Normally Beau is there to speak with me and pick up from where we left off, but this time only I can make myself well. Although I stumble forward uncertainly, carrying my back pack of both pain and power, I have a drive for change and an openness to challenge.
I wish everyone peace and hope